is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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