There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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