I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
