i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize