I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize