i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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