My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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