i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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