god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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