Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
