Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
