marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
