Duck Duck Cougar?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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