You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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