I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
