Just cropdusted the office
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
