WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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