We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
