my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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