I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
