I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize