I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
