You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
