would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize