The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
