im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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