Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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