I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
