Define "chronic" masturbator.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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