: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize