Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize