I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
