My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
