my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
We need to rekindle our bromance
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
