No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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