Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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