Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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