trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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