So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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