I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
