I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
