we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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