Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
