some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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