Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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