WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
