I wanna bring you to show and tell
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
