thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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