It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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