You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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