I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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