and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
