I just gift wrapped bread.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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