Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
