If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Randomize
