She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize