Duck Duck Cougar?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
