I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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