In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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