I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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