It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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