I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
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