Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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